Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize