Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
