god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
