Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
