Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
