ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
