my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
