Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize