I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
