I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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