the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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