I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize