Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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