i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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