Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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