I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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