Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
