the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Your dad touched me again.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
