before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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