Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
