very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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