I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
