I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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