I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize