when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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