I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Randomize
