my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
