my vag is so smooth its legendary
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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