I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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