On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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