I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
My feet surprised me
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
