dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
