I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
