I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
