Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
They are going to name an STD after you.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize