We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
