Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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