I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The feeling are messing with the penis
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
