If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
