she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
