I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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