He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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