Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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