Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
