First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My liver just had a heart attack.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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