I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
