I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
