im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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