I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
