Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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