Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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