I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
