when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I didn't notice because vodka
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
