Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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