she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
bring money and cleavage
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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