Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
