So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
