Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
