you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
