He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
