I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
