dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
