Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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