3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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