apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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