I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
