She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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