I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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