I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
